Sturgeon's Soundbites
What she says
and
What she really thinks/means/knows to be true*
"The cuts"
I know the UK government have been implementing cuts to try and reduce our £90 billion deficit and £1.5 trillion national debt (as well as the billions in interest payments that go along with all this) -- and also that they've been cutting waste and bureaucracy (quangos, management consultants, and so on) -- but I like to pretend they've just been cutting for the hell of it. They may have cut police budgets whilst simultaneously cutting crime, ring-fenced the health, education and overseas aid budgets, and even increased government spending -- but, as far as I'm concerned, it's all 'cuts cuts cuts' and no good can come of it!
"Social democratic values"
I use this phrase to sound moral. It is, however, pretty meaningless. Think about it. Have you ever heard any UK politician calling for 'undemocratic antisocial values'? Of course not! The important thing is that I use this phrase more often than my rivals, which must mean I'm more moral than they are. Mustn't it?
"Progressive"
As with 'Social democratic values', I use this word to sound moral. It too is meaningless. Ever heard any politician calling for policies that are 'regressive'? If this term meant anything at all I would be able to tell you the "progressive" positions on voluntary euthanasia, cannabis, abortion limits, prostitution, nuclear power, GM foods, fracking, increasing or decreasing immigration, and so on. I can't -- because everybody thinks themselves "progressive" and imagines that the implementation of their ideas would be "progress." Never mind -- hardly anybody notices the vacuity of this term.
"Austerity"
I know this means reducing government spending so we can start paying down our £90 billion deficit and £1.5 trillion national debt but I like to pretend it's something utterly outrageous and totally unnecessary. Fed-up paying your mortgage, loans, credit card bills, etc? You don't have to. Just keep adding to them -- and you'll have money left over!
"Architects of austerity"
This is how I refer to politicians who want to reduce government spending (so we can start paying down our £90 billion deficit and £1.5 trillion national debt). Makes them sound sinister, doesn't it? That's why I like it!
"Privatise the NHS"
I know you don't want this so I constantly use this phrase in an attempt to scare you. The phrase is completely worthless because no UK politician wants to privatise the NHS. Profit has always been a part of our health service. Who do you think makes all the drugs and hi-tech equipment? Profit-making businesses! Who pays all the doctors, nurses and other health service staff? You do -- the taxpayer -- either by paying the doctors and nurses directly or else by paying government to pay bureaucrats to pay the doctors and nurses.
"Poverty"
I'm using this word to conjure up images of starving, shivering wretches in rags! In truth, poverty is now defined as having an income that's 60% of the median. This means that you're in "poverty" if on less than £14,000 a year and also that doubling every income would do nothing to alter the number of people in "poverty." This definition also means that immigration affects "poverty" and that identical incomes are the only thing that could possibly eradicate it! In short, I'm using the word to con you.
"Stand up to the cuts"
Pretend that none are needed and that I wouldn't have to make any. Ask the Greeks how that's going!
"Westminster"
The UK government and mother of parliaments. The House of Commons contains MPs from Scotland, England, Wales and Northern Ireland from all the major parties. I use the word "Westminster" as a sneer in the hope that it can be made to sound sinister.
"The Westminster parties"
Political parties who have MPs in the House of Commons. In other words, all of the major parties -- including the SNP!
"Full fiscal autonomy"
Sounds empowering, doesn't it? It isn't. It just means closing the joint account and putting a £9 billion hole in Scotland's finances.
"Independence"
Breaking Scotland away from the UK (but not the EU) so that I and my fellow nationalists can feel like big fish in the very small pond we'd prefer our nation to be.
"Anti-independence"
Anyone who doesn't want to break up the country. Not to be confused with UKIP's 'anti-independence' opponents.
"Public services"
I know all businesses 'serve the public' but this phrase sounds a lot better than 'taxpayer-funded, government-provided services'! I like to give the impression governments are good at running things (and better at spending your money than you are). They aren't.
"Sustainable growth"
I use this phrase to sound moral. It is pretty meaningless. Have you ever heard any UK politician promoting 'unsustainable growth'? Of course not! The important thing is that I use this phrase more often than my rivals, which (again) must mean that I'm more moral than they are.
"Keeping Labour honest"
Using a weak Miliband government to try and bring about the break-up of Britain.
"Food banks"
A brilliant charitable innovation that gets food, toiletries, etc to people who are in a financial mess (whether this is their own fault or not). Never mind which other countries have food banks. I want to pretend that this particular charity is a damning indictment of modern Britain. It isn't. And neither is any other charity -- not even the government-run charities.
"Zero-hours contracts"
Flexible and temporary working that suits lots of people perfectly well. A mere 2% of UK workers are currently employed on these contracts and a majority of that 2% appreciate the flexibility offered by zero-hours. Exclusivity clauses caused workers all sorts of problems so the UK government banned them outright.
"Trident"
This is what we use to deter bullying, nuclear-armed dictatorships. I prefer to ignore this point and instead pretend that our nuclear deterrent is an enormous white elephant.
"Fairness"
Another worthless term. Ever heard any politician calling for 'unfairness'? To some, higher taxes are fair; to others, lower taxes are fair. Ditto more immigration/less immigration, raising the abortion limit/lowering the abortion limit, increasing school choice/decreasing school choice, banning drugs/legalising drugs, and so on.
"Inequality"
I love to tell people I'm against inequality because it sounds nice and it confuses things. Am I in favour of racial and gender equality? So is everybody else. Am I against income inequality? Then I'm a crank who thinks a brain surgeon should earn the same as a cleaner and entrepreneurs should wind up with the same as the rest of us.
"Scotland's voice"
I use this phrase to give the false impression I speak for Scotland. I don't. In truth, I know that Scotland doesn't have a voice. It never has and it never will. Scotland has lots of voices and I know that most of them do not agree with me on a whole range of issues. Think about it. What is "Scotland's voice" on immigration, abortion, euthanasia, nuclear deterrence, etc, etc?
"Heaping more and more pain onto the
backs of the people who can least afford it"
I like to accuse my political opponents of this. Makes them sound like sadistic bastards, doesn't it? That's the plan!
"The Tories"
Politicians who want to let people keep more of their own money, start their own businesses, own their own homes, and buy shares. They also want to attract wealth-creators, get people off benefits and into work, and ensure things are efficiently run. To me, they are akin to Nazis so I spit out the word "Tories" in the most contemptuous tone of voice I can muster.
"£100 billion on Trident"
Ever wonder where I got this figure? Nobody ever asks -- it's great! I think I got it from CND (who, of course, have no axe to grind whatsoever). Even if true, "£100 billion on Trident" would actually amount to about 12p a day each -- over the next 35 years -- to effectively deter bullying, nuclear-armed dictatorships.
"Illegal wars"
Some people would have preferred to see a genocidal despot left in charge of Iraq and Islamofascists left in charge of Afghanistan -- and I'm one of them! This phrase allows me to sneer at those who thought the world would be better off without such terrorist regimes. Note that I never explain what it is that supposedly makes some wars "legal" and other wars "illegal." Following my logic, the military action we took to stop ethnic cleansing and genocide in the Balkans was "illegal" and killing a million innocent Iraqis with UN sanctions was perfectly "legal." But you don't need to know all this!
"The most vulnerable"
I'm using this phrase to conjure up images of starving, shivering wretches in rags -- along with images of the sick and disabled -- but, under this heading, I also include the lazy, feckless and irresponsible and I expect you to cheerfully and unquestioningly pay for the latter as well.
"Social justice"
Another meaningless phrase. Ever heard any politician calling for social injustice? -- Or antisocial injustice?
"Bedroom tax"
Sounds awful, doesn't it? What kind of a person would decide to tax bedrooms?! There are, however, two things to notice about the "bedroom tax" -- (1) Many of the rooms identified do not contain beds, and (2) It is not a tax. The Under-Occupancy Penalty was introduced to move people able to downsize out of taxpayer-funded homes that would be ideal for others who're needing to upsize out of their taxpayer-funded homes. I call it the "bedroom tax" because it sounds cruel. That's all.
"Free education"
I know education isn't "free" but this phrase sounds a lot better than 'taxpayer-funded, government-provided education'!
"Living wage"
I love this term and often use this as an example of a "progressive policy." The trouble is, every other politician is also in favour of the living wage (and all encourage employers to pay it if they can afford to) so really I'm not saying much. I do like to imply that I would make the "living wage" legally binding but need to be careful with this. All that would mean is that I want people on £6.50 an hour to be paid another £1.35 an hour, thereby making the minimum wage and the living wage the same thing. Setting the minimum wage that high would, however, destroy jobs -- by putting some employers off taking on extra staff -- but I try not to let that worry me.
"Can never be used"
I love to say that nuclear weapons "can never be used" because this appeals to people who think deterrence doesn't exist. I haven't told the Russian, Chinese or North Korean regimes that their nuclear weapons "can never be used" because they would laugh at me -- and I don't like being laughed at.
"Balance the books on the backs of the poor"
I know the top 1% of UK earners now pay about a quarter of all income tax but I prefer to pretend that "the poor" are having to pay for everything. By definition, "the poor" are not helping us to "balance the books" -- and nor are "the poor" some homogenous group.
"Benefit sanctions"
The UK government think there should be some sanctions against benefits recipients who make no effort to meet their (usually pretty basic) obligations. That may sound perfectly reasonable but I like to portray it as just the most horrendous bullying imaginable.
"Talking Scotland down"
This is my 'Get out of jail free' card! Whenever anyone points out any inconvenient anti-nationalist facts I can simply throw this accusation at them -- and it works like a charm!
*IMHO
